Hello and welcome to the first of Nials World News articles, loosely based on reality and the rubbish rattling around my head, it will cover famous topics such as Nose Flutes – The forgotten instruments, and lesser known debates including Bigfoot’s rise and fall through British politics.
Never wanting to be in the same place once it will cover the entire width of my street in its never ending quest for knowledge & my front door. It will strive to give you nothing at all useful for your day to day life, and relate nearly some of it to Celicas, so read on and be prepared to be totally under whelmed for at least until the end of this word.
This week in the news……..”nothing” happened, but it happened so quickly that no one noticed a thing, scientists are expecting the worst with the possible downfall of the Interweb as we know it if we have another attack of “nothing” happening, It is thought that the severe attack of “nothing” may have been caused by Greenpeace protecting the oceans jellyfish from the deliberate targeting of internet porn by ruthless invertebrate abusing companies, but this has yet to be proven as the “rainbow warrior” got lost before casting off and hasn’t been seen since. A spokesperson for Greenpeace said something, but as there was no one else there it went unrecorded.
Meanwhile the Japanese Whaling fleet, under much scrutiny from the worlds press got somewhat confused and embarrassed and ended up harpooning Wales by mistake. The error wasn’t noticed until a large kebab was hauled up on deck followed by an angry Welshman shouting “Oh that’s mine”, he will be thrown back and is expected to make his was back to the Rose & Crown in time for last orders. He was tagged with the latest tracking device in order to provide more insight into the rare breeding patterns of the welsh, but as no one seems interested the study will be lucky to last as long as it takes to attach the tracking device to the angry man.
Archaeologists made an amazing discovery in Africa this week when it is thought that they have uncovered the very first page of the Bible. It reads –
“To my loving wife”
All characters in this book are purely fictional; any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
The Pope has vigorously fought against this page from the bible being released as it showed the true price of the Bible (4 Denary) and could lead to a massive breakdown of humanity. The RAC & AA have been notified but so far the only incidents are a frozen carrot causing a four car pileup in Wiltshire. And the engine of a Subaru inexplicably turning into a Victoria sponge cake with vanilla frosting, which momentarily doubled the horsepower of the Subaru before the timer went and the cake was done.
Gordon Brown and the European Union today voted to change the colour of the sky saying That the sky had been blue for long enough and it was time for a change, a national referendum on the new colour of the sky was arranged for three weeks ago but as no one turned up the Government took the decision for all of us, from next Thursday, just after tea time the colour of the sky will be turned to red to reflect the Labour governments colours, anyone seen supporting the old blue sky will be heavily taxed for no reason what so ever at a level of 110% above your wages, destroying all hope of ever getting away from the new sky tax. The Conservatives responded to the Governments “ridiculous tax” on the old blue sky saying that green would have been a much more manageable colour and that it was their idea in the first place.
In motoring news, a new national speed limit is to be imposed on all Inner city roads throughout Europe, the health and safety executive have ruled that driving a car is way too dangerous and that the old “man with a red flag” approach will be used, as form tea time on Thursday it will be law that anyone wishing to drive anywhere in any Town/city must employ a man with a red flag to walk in front of the car to warn anyone of the approaching vehicle but for his own protection the “Flag carrier” must be able to speak a dozen languages (one of them must be Polish) in case the car happens upon any foreigners in the country and he must be fully bubble wrapped from head to toe in case of head on collisions with other “flag carriers”…..a multi million pound research programme has been financed by the government into side impact protection for the flag carriers but as yet this requirement has not been made law, it is expected to be made law at the most inconvenient time possible costing the individual car owners the maximum amount of money and trouble.
Also in motoring news, the new environment packs that are required when you sell your house must also be adopted when you sell your car, it has been decided by someone in a small office with no windows listening constantly to radio 4 that simply looking at a car to decide weather or not it is road worthy is no longer good enough, a detailed 500 page summary of the vehicle costing £344 to produce will be required to tell the potential buyer important facts such as colour, make, number of wheels and other totally obvious information that anyone with half a brain could see instantly. The packs will be required by tea time on Thursday and will need to be produced in every single language (apart from French) just in case.
Formula One – The start of the formula one series is to start in March with the new rules imposed by the FIA, again the health and safety executive have been involved with all the important decisions and the new rules will be –
1) Petrol being highly flammable and dangerous has been outlawed and diesel or elastic bands are to be used instead.
2) As racing is a tiring sport, all drivers must be in bed by 8pm and have their dads in attendance track side at all times during racing. Lewis Hamilton was used as a guinea pig for this rule during the 2007 season with great success
3) Down force is to be taxed during all races in Europe
4) The national speed limits for inner city driving will be enforced during all races. (in the UK this includes the forthcoming “Flag man” rule
5) Teams not using down force will be taxed at the level they would have been taxed should they have been using down force (Applies only during European races)
6) All cars must be recyclable and have at least 50,000 road going equivalents.
7) Cornering is dangerous and the cause of 99% of racing crashes, therefore races will be held over completely straight tracks unless the FIA is petitioned three years in advance in which case 2 right angled corners will be allowed, but they must have three mile run off areas before the viewing stands.
Watching motorsport is dangerous, all fans are now banned
9) Motorsport is dangerous to insect life, all cars must be fited with a cushioned insect guard at all times. Any dead insects will be taxed.
10) The entire series results will be decided before hand via lucky dip.
And Finally the weather – Look out the window, apart from in the UK where it will be wet with extended periods of wet with the occasional chance of rain in the south.
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