Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
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Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side (as to say, 'don't do it dip****,') and I'm reasoning
that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt
all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of
it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE
FFFFFFFFFFFF!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in
an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second
burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by your violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat
up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I s**t myself, but was too numb to know for sure
and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head
which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
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