Nials Newsletter 2

[Insanity-74]

February Newsletter

Yes Folks it’s that time of the month again…time again for the senseless babblings of an idiot, but as Madgaz isnt here right now, you’ll have to make do with me instead.
Nials monthly news letter is bought to you by this month by Bunghole…the mechanical diarrhoea prevention device.
Based loosely on total fiction I will strive to cover the living room in my endless search for my slippers and the remote control, Nearly non of it will cover GT4`s and all of it will cover total rubbish that will serve no purpose what so ever, so read on and prepare to be asleep by the end of the day…possibly by late evening.

In the news….It came as a great surprise to the nation when all of a sudden it rained almost non stop for a few days, residents of a local street were heard to say “Its raining” but that was put down to mass hysteria caused by rain and/or damp. Living in a country like the UK, where seemingly the “powers that be” don’t ever expect it to rain, a new housing construction phase will begin and from now on all housing will be built on low lying flood plains and river banks after a multi million pound government study found this to be totally safe, As a precaution all houses are to be provided with a giant buoyancy aid so that in case of flooding the house may be saved. Insurance companies have welcomed the move as they will now have good reason to charge extortionate rates and offer no payouts at all……a Manager from the Prudential insurance company was finally tracked down for comment at his Bermuda condo, but after twenty minuets of hysterical laughter the interview was edited to reflect the views of the newspaper and bared no resemblance to the original intent of the interview. The new “Safe” housing will be offered at a new 200% rate for first time buyers to make that first “step” on the property ladder, and free to illegal immigrants to make that first “step” on the benefits ladder, Those eligible for the free housing will include – Anyone who has never paid any UK taxes or worked a day in their life, anyone entering the UK without permission, Anyone who provides invaluable EBay services from Nigeria and out of work clowns. The OWCF (Out of work clowns federation) commented that this was a great day for the recognition of out of work clowns and that soon they would be able to laugh again in the comfort of their own homes. Rob_A was seen leaving the scene of the interview screaming like a big girl and running in the general direction of “Away”, he is expected to make landfall on the eastern coast of the United States a week on Thursday at tea time and be the first person to cross the Atlantic on foot. Jesus Christ of Nazareth has launched an official complaint with Roy Castle before the record has even been achieved, stating that the miracle of walking on water had been belittled by this impromptu record attempt and that it could irreparably damage his means of making a living, but this has been dismissed as pure fiction and he was arrested and charged as a suspected terrorist. Bail has been set at three unicorns and a dozen magic beans.

In International sport, Ronaldo`s mum is to take over the management of the England football squad after being bitterly disappointed at the performance of her son with Manchester United, she said she would much rather be disappointed at his performance with Real Madrid instead, but as this didn’t look likely she would take over the running of the England side as something to do in the mean time.
The Rules of the great game are to be changed to reflect this new leadership, in partnership with the Health and safety executive some subtle and hardly noticeable changes will be made.
Tackling is inherently dangerous and will be banned all together, a new touch system will be introduced that uses lasers and infra red so the no contact has to be made.
The new football will be bigger so that it is easier to spot on telly and to increase the chances of winning on the “Spot the ball” Pools coupons.
The ball will for cushioned with duck down so that heading the ball will be safer.
The game will be divided into quarters so that the players have more time to rest and so that more adverts can be placed during broadcasting of the games.
Grass on the pitches will be allowed to grow longer after Greenpeace argued that the short grass was inhospitable for wildlife and offered no protection to tigers and lions.
Any Teams wishing to enter the new football leagues will require all the players to have their brains removed to prevent damage, but despite every single team going forward for this, one has yet to be found.

In a new bold move next week that can only be good for British politics, probably around thursday tea time the entire government will be fired for eating food without filling in the correct paperwork, It was discovered earlier on in the month that almost every single member of the current leading party had at some point or another, consumed food without first notifying the correct authorities and failed to fill out the correct paperwork in triplicate. Food such as Ham sandwiches, fish and chips and even an entire sunday dinner have been eaten without any consideration to the effect that this might have upon the local Spine Tailed swift population, The UK Spine Tailed swift who’s current UK population equals zero has seen a sharp decline and by the end of the week is expected to reach zero or even minus eight according to some conservative party annalists.
The latest scandal to hit the Labour party could not have come at a worse time with calls from the Police being totally ignored.
The Conservative party back benchers have for the first time agreed with each other and have condemned their labour party opposites for callously eating food and drinking liquids that do not match the guidelines set out by governments own food eating and liquid drinking division. “It’s disgusting to think that these member can go around eating and drinking exactly what they want” on politician was quoted as saying. And promptly shot himself in protest
The scandal is thought to have been brought to light after the prime minister was spotted eating a cream horn in public by a member of the press. A multi million pound inquest has been started that is expected to last 300 years, cost £4billion and achieve nothing what so ever, at which point the government will rebuke the findings saying that the 300 year survey wasn’t thorough enough and the evidence was contaminated by jam.

Tune in again at some when I can be arsed to write more useless rubbish like this.

[Redbeast]

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